May was a stressful month for me. It started out with my car having to have the hybrid batteries replaced. Then my daughter's situation continued to plague me more than I realized. I was worrying about her safety, her future and her mental health. The weather was cold and wet which affected my mental health. I realized that all of the above, car included, were out of my control but I could not park any of it and move on. I holed up and had one long pity party which I have declared is over.
June 1 brings new things for me. I am starting over again and moving forward.
Mental Health
Depression and sadness are deliberating and I found that I had both and I holed up. I was trying to control things I couldn't control and it made me feel worse. I didn't want to be dependent on others to get me around though I do know that having the rental car didn't help. I was in too deep at that point. Worrying about others made me feel helpless as I was trying to make things better. The dull, grey, cold weather mad me hole up inside and sit on the couch wanting sunny warm days. I was actually stewing over things out of my control and not doing the things in my control.
My actual wake up call came from a comment from the osteopathy therapist. I remembered another comment from a person who has mental health issues. Get up, put one foot in front of the other and do something within your control. I did that -- I started to clean the house once again and it actually helped me feel better. Doing small chores while waiting for floors to dry helped me a lot. Doing some professional reading and looking for ideas to decorate the house, make historical costumes for the dolls, and to sew and knit something I really wanted to make lifted my spirits and help lift the cloud of gloom over my head.
I still worry about things but I am taking a direct approach to them. Most are out of my control but I can tell the person what they can do and let them decide if they want to do it. I can support people who need it but I can't do the work for them. I only can do what is within my circle of control. For example if there is a rat infestation on the block I can't do anything about it until it directly affects me.
Self Care #1
I have not taken the time to eat properly the last few months. Trigger foods have been bought on a regular basis. I have eaten out more than I had wanted to. I did not want to cook many nights. I was eating a lot of processed and unhealthy foods which I bought to help me feel better. They actually made me feel worse.
I do have healthy food in the house now. I have a couple of things to eat that are borderline but not trigger foods. The trigger foods are gone and only one will come back when I absolutely need it. Hopefully that won't be until fall when I start to make soup again. If I have to make soup, I will make chicken vegetable soup which I have everything for it in the freezer.
I am going to do a fridge and freezer inventory asap so I know what I have and what I need to buy. One thing will be some beef as I don't eat very much of it. With my kidneys function stable I am going to add a bit more to my diet. I am going to buy some fresh vegetables and fruit so I can eat more of them.
I plan on tracking what I eat and loose the weight I gained. It is part of my plan to help take pressure off my joints and be ready if I ever need to have those joints replaced. I also feel better if I eat simple healthy foods.
Self Care #2
I have spent the first 4 months and most of the 5th month spending very little money. Part was depression, part was I needed nothing (or so I thought), and part was staying home due to a multitude of reasons.
Sewing became something that I almost stop doing. I was not enjoying most of the projects I was working on. The ones I did enjoy were fun. Others were difficult and I would avoid the sewing room. I did a quick look at the fabrics I have. I see a whole bunch of orphans and they are really uninspiring. I realized that I needed something fresh to work on. I allowed myself to purchase a lot of fabric at the end of May. I am excited to sew them up in June and July.
Knitting was better than sewing. I actually knit yarn I wanted to knit and tried out a couple of patterns. I used up a lot of yarn in April and May. More than I had thought I would. Knitting most nights relaxes me. I did allow myself to buy 5 balls of yarn to knit an afghan for myself and I need to buy 5 more balls so it will be long enough.
The sewing room got a bit of a clean up but it isn't finished. It needs me to finish it and then relook at it once again and see what I want to do with a lot of my stuff. I have a box of books that I need to take to the thrift store. I need to figure out what to do with my scraps as the group who took them has disbanded.
Self Care #3
Cutting back on social media. I found myself scrolling on my phone, playing games, and watching a lot of Youtube. I know it goes back to how I was feeling. The games were to quieten my brain from all the thoughts I was having. The videos were doing much the same thing though I started to notice that some of them were affecting me mentally. The ones I enjoy watching are those that I save for night. I love watching how others live in other countries and the places they live and how they remain positive under conditions that are beyond their control. The ones I find that are affecting me are those that seem to use their homes for content. Build up a huge mess to clean in their video, have kids that don't help, complain all the time that they are tired of the mess, the renovations they really wanted or the weather.
Will I blog every day? I hope to as it is like writing in a journal for me. Will I watch a lot of YouTube? Not as much as I use to. I am watching only those that I enjoy the most. The others I won't. I will do searches to help me make items for my house or how to make an item. There are some great videos out there along with some crappy ones.
Self Care #4
My fantasy self/life. Though I have been really good about what I will do craft wise and sold a lot of stuff at the yard sale, I found myself falling back into one area of my fantasy life. The craft bazaar. How it has haunted me in May as it was a great way to shut out life. I found myself searching for ideas to make items, how to have a great booth set up, and much, much more. I was ready to start this all over again when I realized that it was only a fantasy. When I watched a person bulk sew and sell at a three weekend craft bazaar I realized I am not going there. The prices she charges for her products I can't charge here. I'd have to find craft bazaars in areas that could support those kinds of costs.
As I was reading one blog, I realized that that what she wrote about selling items was not for everyone and that included me. She talks about what not to make and what to make. As I scrolled through her free patterns, I realized I can make a lot of them for my home as they have the flair I like. I can make them for gifts for daughter as she likes them also. I can take my fantasy life and make it a reality even if I don't sell them.
My goals for this month are:
Less social media time
Sew and knit what I want even if I don't sew or knit anything using the stashes
Cook and eat healthy foods to stop inflammation and to loose weight
Balance housework, yard work, and other activities so I have balance in my life.
Begin to think of ways I can do volunteer work besides at the hall. One is to make quilt tops at home for the Linus project this winter. I know some volunteer work needs me to be active with a group but others I can do on my own. I know I have to balance this as I do not function well with a lot of people around me.
I will report on how well I do at the end of the June.
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