Realizing I've Been Depressed

Yesterday was sunny, windy, and cool. The high got to -1.3C. This morning it is clear and -10C. We are to have sunshine, wind, and a high of -5C today. Tonight is our coldest night to date.

Lifestyle

I am happy that I did the driveway early in the morning as a cold wind blew for a lot of the day. I shovelled about 2" of snow. It was dry but a bit heavy. The driveway was also slippery. I did the back deck also. Once done shovelling, I got the straw broom and swept the snow off the driveway allowing the stones in the aggregate cement to give some traction when walking on the driveway. It was a lot of work but worth it as the driveway was clear and dry by mid afternoon. Also I wasn't the only one out shovelling snow. In fact I wasn't the first person out. I was the second one out doing it. 

I rested when I got in. Though I was careful to shovel and sweep from left to right, I found it tiring. It is not my natural way to do these jobs. I put heat on my knee and hip and let them rest while I had something to drink. 

I swept floors yesterday. Elliott is shedding so much I need to sweep them daily. They look dusty and hairy hours after I do the job.  

Sewing and Crafting

I worked on the quilt yesterday and got a lot done. I am ready to hand sew the 48" seam down and do a lot of quilting. 

When the quilting is done, the quilt will be half done. 

It was a rough day in the sewing room. The sewing machine was acting up and needed to be rethreaded. Pressing two seams in the wrong direction which I didn't discover it until after I had quilted those areas. My body and brain were wanting me to cop out of the world for a while. I did do that for an hour. 

I ordered the fabric for the bags I will be making from Spoonflower. It is being printed and will be shipped when done. I will make 2 bags and send both to daughter to donate. Once the fabric arrives, I will buy the remaining fabrics. 

Knitting

I knit on the socks last night. I turned both heels and then picked up the gusset stitches on one sock. It is ready to knit. 

The socks are at a stage of being hard to photograph. Looks like a boat in my opinion.

Thoughts

    I realized during the night that I have been suffering from depression the past week. Part of it has been the weather, part is missing the Spousal Unit, part is frustration that I have had pain in my hip and knee, and part is pressuring myself to do a lot of things each day. I realized that how I have been isolating myself has been the result of it all. The past couple of days, I have just wanted to sit and do nothing, eat carb laden comfort foods (not sweets), and escape from the world. 

    Yesterday afternoon must have been the worst day of the spell as I had a lot of negative thoughts yelling in my head. It was all the usual; I'm not good at anything. It was bad enough that I was saying I won't be quilting after I finish the quilts I have planned. I would be taking the fabric left over and getting rid of it. The same for crafting. It was a tough afternoon for me. 

    I am crawling out of this spell today. I can think more clearly and have had a pep talk with myself. I am doing what I enjoy doing and I don't need to explain that to anyone. I don't need to explain why I do things the way I do. I am not hurting anything or anyone. It is different from the norm and needs to be respected. Will I stop quilting? Yes but only after I finish the quilts I have planned. Will I toss the fabric in the stash? No as I still want to sew it up into useful things. Crafting will slow down and I won't be buying a lot more for it. Knitting will continue as always as I have lots of yarn and projects to work on. I find these projects keep me mentally active but they don't need to control my life. What I need to remind myself that I don't need to have my stashes gone by the end of the year. I don't need to work on something every day and having a day off is good for the mind. 

    The worst part of feeling depressed has been isolating myself. I have been home more than usual lately and have only done things with family which I enjoy immensely. The only other time I go out is for appointments and grocery shopping. I need to plan more outings where I can enjoy myself. I am thinking about that seriously. I also know that isolating is a way of protecting myself from comments people make about how I do things. I really need to stand up about what I do and not feel guilty about it. 

Today

I will be doing yoga and cleaning the bathroom. I have to go out and pay a bill and get grandson's birthday gift. I am going to work on happy thoughts as I hand sew the 48" of seam on the quilt. I will knit on the socks tonight. It is a blend of being home and getting out today. 

Until the next time..........................................................